Very Mary-Kate

The unofficial celebrity biography of Mary-Kate Olsen, brought to spoiled rotten life by Elaine Carroll. Featuring Bodyguard, Fat Professor, and obscene wealth.

Actor: Elaine Carroll

Creator: Elaine Carroll

Type: tv

Season: 1

Episode: 1

Duration: 3m

Release: 2010

1 "Moving Out"

2010-01-31

"I get a new place. Ash looks totes fugly - ugh - I mean tired in this one. Wardrobe provided by Donna Karen."

2 "Moving Day"

2010-01-31

"My bodyguard is responsible for everything related to my body, including moving the stuff I surround my body with."

3 "Bodyguard"

2010-01-31

"Got legit sick filming this. Didn\u2019t sleep for 48 hrs. Not cuz of drugs, you haters, b\/c I\u2019m an effing method actor."

4 "Baby"

2010-01-31

"I consider getting a baby. At least I think that\u2019s what happens. It\u2019s been a while since I read the script."

5 "Baby Daddy"

2010-02-08

"Bodyguard flat out refuses to be my daddy baby, so I flat out threaten to steal his sperm."

6 "Depressed"

2010-03-01

"I\u2019m tired of waiting around for that special someone to have a baby for me."

7 "Hangover"

2010-03-01

"I learn never to drive drunk. Especially when driving a blimp."

8 "Fight"

2010-03-01

"I know to get emotional when the piano music kicks in."

9 "Philip Seymour Hoffman"

2010-03-13

"I get acting lessons from the Academy Award-winning creep-o."

10 "Cat"

2010-04-04

"I decide to get a cat rather than have a baby because it\u2019s more expensive."

11 "Back to School"

2010-04-04

"I\u2019m going back to college to get my The Bachelor degree."

12 "Extension"

2010-04-11

"Can I have an extension on that paper I have to write? I have to learn how to write."

13 "Paper"

2010-04-11

"I ended up getting an \u201cF\u201d for \u201cF\u201d-ort."

14 "Crush"

2010-04-18

"It\u2019s just a little crush and I throw up a little every time they touch."

15 "Ashleyguard"

2010-04-18

"But Ashley doesn\u2019t have nipple hair!"

16 "Nightmare"

2010-04-26

"Quiet, Evil Dragon, I\u2019m trying to write a description!"

17 "Zac Efron"

2010-04-29

"A date with Zac Efron? Zac Ef yes!"

18 "Philip Seymour Hoffman 2"

2010-05-03

"Is this about all those blimps I crashed? Because I keep telling you guys, I don\u2019t care."

19 "Gun"

2010-05-03

"Do you feel lucky, Bodyguard? Are you a Luckyguard?"

1 "Recap"

2010-10-12

"OMG you guys! I\u2019m back! Did you miss me?"

2 "Clone"

2010-10-14

"Comet is back! Thank you, science!"

3 "Cheating"

2010-10-19

"Cheating is so hard! I need to learn how to cheat at it."

4 "Woody Allen"

2010-10-21

"Amir guest stars as Mary-Kate\u2019s Godfather."

5 "Trick-or-Treat"

2010-10-26

"Tricking is less calorific than treating."

6 "Hoffmoween"

2010-10-28

"Phil Hoffman\u2019s scariest as himself."

7 "Excuses"

2010-11-02

"My dog ate this video description."

8 "Presentation"

2010-11-04

"The best presentation in the history of history class."

9 "Driving"

2010-11-09

"Learning to drive is as easy as eating pie. It\u2019s very hard."

10 "Woody Allen 2"

2010-11-11

"Where there\u2019s a will, there\u2019s a way too talkative."

11 "Naked"

2010-11-16

"Bodyguard\u2019s in his birthday suit."

12 "Fired"

2010-11-18

"Bodyguard gets a pink slip. Oooooh, pink!"

13 "Hired"

2010-11-23

"One girl\u2019s trash is another girl\u2019s bodyguard."

14 "Photo Shoot"

2010-11-30

"A face that only her sister could love."

15 "Bath"

2010-12-02

"Rub-a-dub-dub, Ashley wants some love."

16 "Presentation 2"

2010-12-07

"I put my Louisiana Purchase on my Amex."

17 "Conference"

2010-12-09

"Bodyguard and Professor go head-to-fat-head."

18 "Sexy Time"

2010-12-14

"Ashley won\u2019t take gross for an answer."

19 "Sick"

2010-12-16

"It\u2019s not bulimia when you haven\u2019t eaten."

20 "Confession"

2010-12-21

"Mary-Kate gets D and dirty with G almighty."

21 "Church"

2010-12-28

"The lord is my shepherd, but lambswool makes me itchy."

22 "Vegas (1)"

2011-01-04

23 "Vegas (2)"

2011-01-06

24 "Vegas (3)"

2011-01-11

"Deserts are even scarier than desserts."

25 "Vegas (4)"

2011-01-13

"Mary-Kate tweets her way to safety."

26 "Gold Rush"

2011-01-18

"Is a gold rush when Tiffany\u2019s has a sale?"

27 "Presentation 3"

2011-01-20

"Always present on an empty stomach."

1 "Raise Your Hand"

2011-12-01

"I can\u2019t raise my hand. I\u2019m allergic to effort."

2 "Magazines"

2011-12-08

"Magazines are sooo heavy. Especially the ones with pictures of fat people."

3 "Jetlag"

2011-12-15

"Can\u2019t sleep? Count sheepskin boots."

4 "Santa"

2011-12-22

"Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house\u2026 I was shuffling around chain smoking and trying on different shoes."

5 "Presentation 4"

2012-01-06

"War \u2013 what is it good for? Cute uniforms."

6 "Jewish Looking Girl"

2012-01-12

"She\u2019s a rock star of David."

7 "Layers"

2012-01-19

"It\u2019s freezing cold under all these layers."

8 "Call My Phone"

2012-01-26

"Sing along! Actually no, just find my phone."

9 "Trenta"

2012-02-02

"Start the morning with a gallon of joe."

10 "Evil Dragon"

2012-02-09

"It\u2019s always the bodyguard you least suspect."

11 "Police"

2012-02-17

"I fought the law and the law was a jerk face."

12 "Mug Shot"

2012-02-23

"Is this the duckface of a criminal?"

13 "Jail"

2012-03-08

"Mary-Kate deals with life in the slammer."

14 "Dishwasher"

2012-03-15

"Mary-Kate loves shiny appliances! And by that she means sweaty laborers."

15 "Pillow Talk"

2012-03-22

"Mary-Kate and Bodyguard may have effed up and effed."

16 "Sex and Sexuality (Very Maggie Smith)"

2012-04-01

"Butler stays abreast of Maggie Smith\u2019s love life."

17 "Sleeping in Class"

2012-04-05

"Mary-Kate goes to sleep to the soothing sounds of a yelling professor."

18 "Professor\u2019s Presentation"

2012-04-12

"Mary-Kate sabotages Professor in front of the school board."

19 "Slumber Party"

2012-04-19

"First one to fall asleep gets a hand in warm Pellegrino."

20 "Pills"

2012-04-26

"Take once per day with a picture of food."

21 "Comet"

2012-05-03

"Mary-Kate\u2019s cat meows out against drugs."

22 "Draw Something"

2012-05-10

"Mary-Kate challenges Bodyguard to some 1am Pictionary."

23 "The Case of the Cracked Cup (Very Maggie Smith 2)"

2012-05-24

"When Maggie Smith\u2019s teacup goes handle-less, everyone\u2019s a suspect."

24 "Summer House"

2012-05-31

"Mary-Kate gets lost indoors and has to crack out her survival skills."

Very Mary-Kate

Conan

American Pickers

My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic

MasterChef

Ancient Aliens

The Little Couple

Ridiculousness

Mountain Men

Ink Master

Hollywood Game Night

Married at First Sight

The Real Housewives of Orange County